Friday, October 11, 2013

Confession Part 1

Hey blog... Long time no see, but I guess this is the place where I end up when I reach my lowest point. Sorry, blog... that's why you're rather gloomy and mellow-drama hehe but I tend to seek for relieve by writing here only or mostly when I get stuck, sad, or terribly bored. When I am happy (and don't get me wrong, that's most of the time, and I'm grateful for that) I rarely have the mood to blog. That's why I'm a bad blogger. But here I am. Gonna blabber a little bit :p 

Look, I don't mean to complain, I think God's been soo good to me. I know many people will switch place with where I am now. My daily life is going smooth, residency life's great, assignments on track, family's happy and healthy, business is great. But there's always this one point when you're not satisfied, and that's what makes us human, right?

I think I simply am bored.

These routines... waking up at 5. Getting ready early morning. Driving to hospital. Don't forget to check in in social medias. Morning report. Seeing sick faces with bloated stomach and yellow eyes. Educating them. (Trying to) Treat them. Argue with nurses and pharmacy. Spend rest of the day filling in medical records. Then once in every other day running after those consultants. Attending scientific presentations. One round after another in a never ending circuit for everyday from monday to friday. And then weekend come, the dreaded night (or morning) shifts come. And the circle starts all over again when Monday approaches. 

You need to be really strong to be a doctor, moreover a resident. But I think that's not it. That's not the root of my boredom right now. I'm passionate about what I'm doing. In between those sick faces I see thankful smile. In between those struggle to educate them, I heard respect. And in those yellow eyes I see trusting eyes. And the feeling of letting them go home feeling better, unbelievable. And to have the chance to run into them again in one of the hospital corridors while they come for follow-ups: proud. I really love my job. What's missing is I don't have anyone to share all this. I need a partner, a companion, a spice in my sugar. 

It's the longest time I've been single, ever since I started dating, hehe. And first months or so I was busy finding all the positive things of becoming single, I discover things I don't even know exist in me. I did what I never did while I have boyfriend. And I must say, I succeeded. I got motivated, because I'm one of those people who don't favour getting all tears. I tried all ways to make me comfortable being single, spend more times with friends and family, being in touch with old pals, and I succeeded, yes. It doesn't feel awkward anymore. I rarely find myself feeling lonely of stuck in sadness. But I think what's happening now is that the phase has passed, and I have built a quite tall and thick wall surrounding me. I unconsciously avoid to get intimate with any boy, and now I realize it has become  a habit. I kinda become a scumbag for others because I go on first dates without the second. And that, I can feel, annoys everybody surrounding me. Sorry my friends, my fams, to whom I've been asking opinion about this person and that, but then I have to let them down because I always end up with the same answer: he's not the one. I don't worry because I always think I can survive being single, and nothing's running after me. I'll take my time.

But I think now I've come to realize, I do need one. Boyfriend. Partner. Companion. Refreshment during weekends. Somebody to share everything about. Somebody to argue with. That's it. I'm ending my single time. (Hopefully) Soon...